a miracle!

I get to record a miracle, now!

First, some context.

About a month ago, I was, just to start, sort of out of reading material. I was going over in my mind what I might want to read. Novels tend to stink. (I have an amusing story about that which maybe I'll tell a little later.) So called non fiction often looks and even is interesting, but it tends to be sort of depressing. And I've read so much self help and how to get rich stuff that, even though I like reading that stuff, it's like, how many of these books am I going to collect? And when are they going to produce the desired results? I mean, maybe I'm not applying what I'm reading very well, and maybe I should concentrate on that, instead of getting new books.

I had this sort of wistful wish, for something like a workbook, that you would read some of every day, and it would take you through some sort of mental exercise, just while you're reading it, and you could keep doing that for a long time.

I went to Changing Hands - our famous local book store - and I kind of knew what I was looking for. I bought a copy of The Urantia Book for a friend, and a copy of A Course In Miracles for myself. It was time. I also bought several philosophical treatises on computing.

A Course In Miracles is actually written by Jesus Christ - dictated by him to a professor at Columbia. I have kind of a love - hate relationship with Jesus. But the love component is there, so I felt inclined to push through. I had read a bit of ACIM at the library, some years back, and sort of liked it. Even sort of really liked it. It was time I owned a copy to read regularly. I mean, I often think Jesus is kind of silly, and his followers even more so - often extremely so, almost always somewhat so. But Christian practice is clearly also powerful. It's not just that it rules the world as it does - there's a kind of light in it, a kind of clarity, like a crystal. And Jesus addresses my mixed feelings, in ACIM. He says I'm likely to not agree with some of what he says, or even be angry about it, and that's OK, that I should just read the book, and I'll get the benefit. Though he makes me squirm a lot, I do like Jesus. For instance, it's pretty nice of him to let me get close to him this way, by reading so many of his words. I get to read his words - new words every day - for a year, now. I'll be reading ACIM for considerably more than a year, in fact.

A Course In Miracles is in three parts. The first is the text, which is daily reading for a year. So, I've been reading somewhat on a daily basis. I don't feel under any pressure, the book doesn't really press you, it pretty much just says read when you want to. I kind of skipped a week, and I forgot to read yesterday, and have skipped a few other days, but, actually, I've sort of been regular about it. I kind of have the book hidden in my closet, and usually in the morning, after K has gone to work, I get it out, as part of my routine, and read a chapter, which takes about 15 minutes.

The reading is kind of challenging. It's not that difficult to follow, though it is philosophy. I like the challenge of reading philosophy, of working through those kinds of words and thoughts, so in that sense I'm happy to have that kind of thing to read. And my experience with philosophy has been, I tend to not like what the philosophers are saying. Often, it's downright moronic. Why would I want to read that? Even if it's beautiful and deep, why would I want to read something stupid? But I don't feel that way about what I'm reading in ACIM. It's very logical, at the same time that it's quite esoteric, and pretty interesting. And when I say it's logical, I do mean it's like math, where one thing follow on an other in kind of a verifiable way, and I also mean it seems pretty much sensible, in, as I say, an esoteric kind of way. So, when I say it's challenging, partly it's just that I do have to set aside the time and focus on it, which is a good thing, if you're looking for, like, an exercise routine, plus, the other challenging thing is, definitely, at times, I'm going "is this right?" So I kind of have to work that out in my mind, or work on it, as I read. And if I can't work it out, then I have to sort of say, OK, I'll read it anyway, or I'll accept it provisionally - because I'm not finding myself rejecting it outright, as I have with other philosophies - or try to work it out ... maybe I can accept it in this sense, or in that sense. I sort of want to accept it, and maybe I can, and it might even be correct, or it might even seem correct, though I might be in some way wary of this idea or that.

Anyway, the second part of the course is a set of exercises, one for every day of the year, though it says you don't have to do one every day, you can do them at your own pace. (The third part of the book is a resource for teachers.) I thought, when I looked at it in the library, years ago, it said you should read one section of the text every day and then do one of the exercises that day, too, but now I can't find where it says that. So, since I wasn't sure what to do, I thought maybe I should read the text, first, and then do the exercises, and maybe re-read the text, later. But the day before yesterday I thought, listen, it doesn't say that - all it says is to not do more than one exercise a day - so, what the heck, I'll take a look at the first exercise.

The first exercise has you look at things around you and say, about each one "this doesn't mean anything." It seems to say that you aren't supposed to take this too seriously, that it's just an exercise. And you aren't supposed to do it all day long, just for a minute or so. But the one rule is, you should do it with everything you look at, and not reserve one thing or another from it.

So I did the exercise, and let me tell you, it kind of hurt. I mean, some of the things I looked at, I was glad to say they don't mean anything, but other things I looked at are super precious to me, and it really hurt to say they don't mean anything. I was sure glad it's just an exercise.

And once I started doing it, I kind of got in the habit, and found myself doing it spontaneously, so I was really glad Jesus said not to do it all day long, and turn it into a ritual. I'd find myself doing it, during the day, and then I'd go, "no, I'm only supposed to do it for a minute or so a couple of times a day." This is why I do like the book: it's quite carefully worked out. So far, I'm pretty impressed.

The introduction to the exercises says the first series, like, half of them, is designed to separate your mind from its accustomed patterns of thought. And that's also how I feel the text is operating, when I have to struggle with what it's saying, like I described.

So, I've been writing here about some health issues I've been experiencing, and about trying to get more exercise. I lead a strange life, and often don't leave the house (and garden) for days, and it's a struggle to get enough exercise. I try to work in the garden, and when I am out doing errands - that's usually why I go out - I always park away from the store, at the far end of the lot, which is actually a great way to get exercise, in a pinch. You get like 100 times the walking compared to if you park right by the store. Sometimes, too, when I'm driving around, I'll stop and walk in one of the neighborhoods. But it all doesn't add up to that much exercise.

I've always liked running. I've never been a big runner, or really regular about it, but I like it a lot. Maybe, like, ten years ago, I was running somewhat regularly, but I just found it hard to keep up. The only time I really wanted to do it was in the middle of the day, or in the middle of the afternoon, but it was just so ridiculously hot. (I'm in Phoenix, for goodness sake.) I'd feel self conscious about it, on top of its being just crazy. I also liked running very early in the morning, but if I set an alarm - or even if I didn't - when I got up, I'd bother my girl (K), and later she'd say "I'm not getting any sleep."

I just kind of gave it up. I bought a beautiful pair of running shoes, but I've hardly every used them. I kind of even stopped thinking about it. True, a friend, with whom, for a time, I would get together and smoke, and who was kind of roly poly, suddenly took up running, and became this really focused runner and slim wiry type. I was kind of jealous. But following his example wasn't happening.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I woke up quite early, out of a wild dream, and I was just wide awake. That was sort of weird. Usually, I love to sleep, and sleep until K has breakfast ready. I just got up and started making breakfast, but K got up and said "I'll make breakfast. Go rake the leaves." Then I had a busy, busy day. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a bit odd.

Last night, I went to bed sort of early, not extremely so, but it was just nice to crawl into bed and snuggle down. I read for a bit, then got sleepy, and went to sleep. K came in later and turned of the light and went to bed herself. The dark, silent night.

Suddenly, I was awake again. I tried to assess what time it was. It seemed maybe there was a faint light of dawn, or maybe not. I did feel it was morning, but quite early. I was absolutely wide awake. What was I going to do? And I saw it: I could go running!

And I went running. K seemed to keep sleeping as I got myself ready, and then I was out in the beautiful dark, taking it slow, going a little farther than I planned, and it was great. But I was saying "it's a miracle", as I got dressed. It really was. I hadn't tried to make it happen. I had barely even thought about it. (It came to me, I had been thinking about it a little, a few days earlier. And, another thing: tai chi is great - I did it again the day after I had that episode, and made it through OK. But one of the teachers said, "tai chi is great, but you still should go walking." I still had some of the pain in my shoulder, and I kind of knew walking or a jog was the way to really get that loose.) It just happened. Which is sort of what Jesus is saying: stop trying to make things happen. Just put things in my hands and you'll have peace, because I mediate between you and God, and God is the one who makes things happen. That's what he says - I'm pretty sure I'm reporting that correctly.

It was still so early when I got back that I set up and wrote almost this whole post before breakfast, in the shivering cold, outside, and smoked a few cigarettes. If you're a smoker, just take it real easy when you start running. I was fine out there, but I went real slow and pretty much didn't get winded, period.